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a-z mental
health :
anger management
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Anger management: strategies
for controlling your anger |
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Everybody gets angry, but out-of-control
rage isn't good for those around you, and it plays havoc with
your own body. Here are some tips to help you 'simmer down.' |
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Relaxation |
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Simple relaxation tools such as
deep breathing and relaxing imagery can help calm down angry
feelings. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners
are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to
learn these techniques. |
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Some simple steps you can try: |
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Breathe deeply,
from your diaphragm. Breathing from your chest won't relax
you. Picture your breath coming up from your 'gut.' |
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Slowly repeat a calming word
or phrase such as 'relax' or 'take it easy.' Repeat it
to yourself while breathing deeply. |
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Use imagery; visualize a
relaxing experience from either your memory or your imagination. |
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Non-strenuous, slow exercises
such as yoga can relax your muscles and make you feel
much calmer. |
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For professional assistance
with anger management please call Wellnet on 084 944 9444 and
a consultant will refer you to a counselor in your area. |
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Cognitive
Restructuring |
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Simply put, this means changing
the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak
in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts.
When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and
overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more reasonable
ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, 'Oh, it's awful,
it's terrible, everything's ruined,' tell yourself, 'It's frustrating,
and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not
the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it
anyhow.' |
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Be careful of words like 'never'
or 'always' when talking about yourself or someone else. 'This
machine never works,' or 'You're always forgetting things' are
not just inaccurate; they also tend to make you feel that your
anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem.
They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise
be willing to work with you on a solution. |
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For example, suppose you have a
friend who is constantly late when you have made plans to meet.
Don't go on the attack; think instead about the goal you want
to accomplish--getting you and your friend there at about the
same time. Avoid saying things like, 'You're always late! You're
the most irresponsible, inconsiderate person I’ve ever
met!' The only goal that accomplishes is hurting and angering
your friend. |
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State what
the problem is, and try to find a solution that works for both
of you; or take matters into your own hands. For example, you
might set your meeting time a half-hour early, so that your
friend will, in fact, get there on time, even if you have to
trick him or her into doing it! Either way, the problem is solved
and the friendship isn't damaged. |
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Logic defeats anger, because anger,
even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So
use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world
is not 'out to get you,' you're just experiencing some of the
rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger
getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced
perspective. |
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Angry people tend to demand things:
fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things
their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt
and disappointed when we don't get them; but angry people demand
them, and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment
becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry
people need to become aware of their demanding nature, and translate
their expectations into desires. In other words, saying 'I would
like' something is healthier than saying 'I demand' or 'I must
have' something. When you're unable to get what you want, you
will experience the normal reactions--frustration, disappointment,
hurt--but not anger. Some angry people use their anger as a
way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes
away. |
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For professional assistance
with anger management please call Wellnet on 084 944 9444 and
a consultant will refer you to a counselor in your area. |
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Problem
Solving |
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Sometimes our anger and frustration
are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives.
Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural
response to these difficulties. Some people have a cultural
belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to their
frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The
best attitude to bring such a situation is to focus not on finding
the solution but rather on how to handle and face the problem. |
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Make a plan and check your progress
along the way. (People who have trouble with planning might
find a good guide to organizing or time management helpful.)
Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself
if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it
with your best intentions and efforts, and make a serious attempt
to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience
and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does
not get solved right away. |
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For professional assistance
with anger management please call Wellnet on 084 944 9444 and
a consultant will refer you to a counselor in your area. |
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Better
Communication |
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Angry people tend to jump to--and
act on--conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be pretty
wild. The first thing to do if you are in a heated discussion
is to slow down and think your responses through. Don't say
the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and
think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time,
listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take
your time before answering. |
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Listen, too, to what underlies
the anger. For instance, suppose you like a certain amount of
freedom and personal space, and your 'significant other' wants
more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining
about your activities, don't retaliate by painting you partner
as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck. |
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It's natural to get defensive when
you're criticized, but don't fight back; instead, listen to
what lies beneath the words. Perhaps the message is that this
person feels neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient
questioning on your part to uncover this, and it may require
some breathing space, but don't let your anger-or a partner's-make
a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep
the situation from becoming disastrous. |
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For professional assistance
with anger management please call Wellnet on 084 944 9444 and
a consultant will refer you to a counselor in your area. |
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Using
Humour |
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'Silly humor' can help defuse rage
in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more
balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a
name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture
what that word would literally look like. If you're at work
and you want to call a co-worker a 'dirt-bag' or a 'single-cell
life form,' for example, picture a large bag full of dirt, or
an amoeba, sitting at your colleague’s desk, talking on
the phone, and going to meetings. Do this whenever you want
to call another person by a rude name. If you can, draw a picture
of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot
of the edge off your fury; and humor can often be relied on
to help un-knot a tense situation. |
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The underlying message of highly
angry people is 'Things ought to go my way!' Angry people tend
to feel that they are morally correct, that anything blocking
or changing their plans is an unbearable indignity that they
should NOT have to tolerate. Maybe other people do, but not
them. |
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When you catch yourself feeling
that way, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler
who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone
and having your way in all situations while others defer to
you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes,
the more chance you have to realize that maybe you are being
a little unreasonable; you'll also realize how unimportant the
things you're angry about really are. |
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There are two cautions in using
humor. First, don't try to just 'laugh off' your problems; rather,
use humor to help yourself face them more constructively. Second,
don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that's just another
form of unhealthy aggression. What these techniques have in
common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is
a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that,
if examined, can make you laugh. |
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For professional assistance
with anger management please call Wellnet on 084 944 9444 and
a consultant will refer you to a counselor in your area. |
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Changing
your environment |
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Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings
that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities
can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the trap you seem
to have fallen into, and all the people and things that form
that trap. |
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Give yourself a break. Make sure
you have some 'personal time' scheduled for times of the day
that you know are particularly stressful. For example, a working
mother might make a standing rule that when she comes home from
work, the first 15 minutes will be quiet time. With this brief
respite, she will feel better prepared to handle demands from
her kids without blowing up at them. |
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Some other tips for easing up: |
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Timing. If you
and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things
at night--perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe
it's just habit--try changing the times when you talk
about important matters so these talks don't turn into
arguments. |
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Avoidance.
If you get furious every time you walk by your child's
chaotic room, shut the door. Don't make yourself look
at what infuriates you. Don't say to yourself, 'Well,
my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be
angry!' That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself
calm. |
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Finding alternatives. If
your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state
of rage and frustration, give yourself a project. Perhaps
you could find a different route, one that's less congested
or more scenic. Or find an alternative way to travel,
such as taking a bus or commuter train. |
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For professional assistance
with anger management please call Wellnet on 084 944 9444 and
a consultant will refer you to a counselor in your area. |
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